I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.