I hope this email finds you in a well
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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
same energy
Mission: Impossible
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”