Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
You Might Also Like
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Wait for it
Cake safety first. Always.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions