I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn