James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
this chia pet tastes awful
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Duolingo getting serious.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭