Meanwhile in Portland…
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.