Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife