“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it