If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Succinctly put.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
#CatsOnTwitter
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
every. time.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”