ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
You Might Also Like
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.