A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.