If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
You Might Also Like
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]