MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Google reviews are always so mixed..