I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
You Might Also Like
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud