I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Stop being racist to kettles.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Just this preview of the story is enough
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
my mind
You just read my mind
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”