At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[guy at party who鈥檚 embarrassed that he鈥檚 allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it鈥檚 so nice to see that even at his age he鈥檚 learned how to use ChatGPT
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can鈥檛 tell if I鈥檓 repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I鈥檒l remember
why I walked in the room.
Just by looking into someone鈥檚 eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat鈥檚 house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 馃檭 she鈥檚 back inside indefinitely
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we鈥檙e even.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Every damn time