there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
channeling her this year
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.