Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.