Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
crying
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy