[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Them: Just act casual
Me:
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok