I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.