My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.