[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
You Might Also Like
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My birth announcement for our third baby
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
who wore it better?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening