I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
@ candidates for local office
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?