Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.