[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
These aliens are taking forever.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
me when i see my girls butt
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing