[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I’m not wrong
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.