“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.