*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*