My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You Might Also Like
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.