If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Oops I deleted….
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”