My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
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“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun