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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell