You Might Also Like
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT