Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
#growingpains
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills