Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Waiting for the Charmin
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.