Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
The big book of baby names but for safe words
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
The glockness monster
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.