99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
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Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.