My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
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me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”