Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
When ur friends with white people
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway