[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Smile they said.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
This is enough internet for the day.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.