Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
The Joker was right
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”