Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”