Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
That’s no pocket rocket.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Sticker placement is key.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.