Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
#Caturday
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.