Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye