***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do