Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards