I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
sugar glider wrangler
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.