“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.